HAPPINESS-ORIENTED COUPLES

According to studies on subjective well-being (what people report having), those with a partner generally state they are more satisfied with their lives than those without one. However, this is merely a statistical average, which varies significantly by country. In fact, paradoxically, countries with the highest life satisfaction rates, such as Sweden, also have the highest percentage of single people. This is because these are societies with a high level of individual freedom, free thought, and individualism, as well as a low degree of traditionalism and social pressure towards marriage.

Being in a relationship will bring well-being primarily to those who are naturally inclined to live that way, while singlehood will be a more satisfying option for those who are innately more free spirits and require more personal space.

In any case, happiness depends more on our consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors than on our marital status. Therefore, all options are valid.

Nevertheless, for both choices, a key to personal well-being is not to have a dependency on a romantic relationship, but rather for it to be simply an option, an added bonus. The more dependent we are on our partner, the greater our discomfort. A ‘half orange’ (someone who feels incomplete) is never entirely happy, whereas a ‘whole orange’ (someone who feels complete) is comfortable both in a relationship and outside of one.

If we choose to have a romantic partner, it is essential that the relationship is mutually satisfying, allowing both individuals’ fundamental needs to be met. Some key elements for this include love, respect, and acceptance, communication skills, effective conflict management, an honest and generous attitude, and shared affinities.

1. LOVE, RESPECT, AND ACCEPTANCE

A fundamental element of a satisfying and lasting relationship is that it is based on love, friendship, respect, admiration, acceptance, and mutual understanding. In happiness-oriented couples, the relationship typically involves support, care, protection, good understanding, complicity, and a pleasant and easy coexistence, as well as preferably a pleasurable sexual life.

Love

They express their love with physical displays of affection, such as hugging or caressing, as well as with gestures and thoughtful actions, approaching their partner especially when attention or help is needed. We generally enjoy receiving human warmth, being pampered, having our lives sweetened, and being made happy.

To achieve the above, it is advisable to cultivate unconditional love, using the techniques explained in the free courses and books of the Institute of Well-being.

Respect

Respect for one’s partner involves considering them, for which it is advisable to focus on what we like about them and the relationship and to value it. Often, in the first few months, we are so in love that we only see positive things and are blind to what we would not normally like. When the effects of infatuation substances wear off, we begin to see flaws and shortcomings, potentially even reaching the opposite extreme of only seeing negative things and being very critical and reproachful. To avoid this, it is helpful to cultivate positive thoughts about the other person, as well as to be generous in showing gratitude, praise, and recognition.

Acceptance

There will always be things we dislike about our romantic partner, so it is highly advisable to accept all of them, preferably unconditionally. Two consequences of this are tolerance and indulgence. Failure to accept when our partner changes and evolves in the relationship can lead to its termination.

Furthermore, the perfect relationship does not exist. Sometimes we hold the irrational belief that there is a perfect love or relationship. If I have this belief, it will likely leave me dissatisfied and resentful, moving from one relationship to another. Nothing will ever be good enough because I am always searching for the ideal fit, which never arrives. Therefore, to be happy, it is advisable to question this belief.

In the courses and books of the Institute of Well-being, we will delve deeper into these topics, as well as the management of negative thoughts and feelings that so often harm relationships, such as contempt or anger.

2. HONESTY AND GENEROSITY

Happiness-oriented couples maintain an honest attitude, which means seeking a fair, win-win relationship (where both partners benefit), striving for a balance between receiving and giving as much as possible, and respecting each other’s rights and freedoms. The latter implies two things:

The recognition that our partner is a free person and their own master, having the right to demand only what has been explicitly agreed upon (usually in exchange for something and not abusively). Anything else can only be requested, but not imposed through pressure, conflict, and certainly not through manipulation, threats, coercion, or violence. A consequence of the above is that I cannot impose pre-established or traditional ways of living together or family models on my partner; instead, the relationship is governed by explicit agreements that both parties freely consent to.

Respect for individual space. This involves trying to find a balance between the need for togetherness and sharing, and the need for personal space. Sometimes we wish to connect with our loved one, and at other times to withdraw and feel our autonomy. Some people desire connection more frequently, while others prefer independence. The relationship can function even when we are at the extremes of this spectrum, provided we are able to understand the other’s needs and respect differences.

Honesty also includes sincerity. A step beyond this honest attitude is generosity, which consists of giving without expecting anything in return, for the pleasure of contributing, because one loves. One manifestation of this generosity is showing thoughtfulness in daily life.

More on honesty and kindness…

3. COMMUNICATION

Another key issue for a good relationship is effective communication, whose main keys are the following:

Assertiveness, which consists of respectfully and delicately communicating what bothers us and what we desire, trying not to hurt or offend. It means expressing what I feel and asking for what I want directly, instead of complaining, threatening, demanding, or trying to manipulate the other person to satisfy my needs. It is advisable to try to do so affectionately and by mentioning the positive aspects of the partner. Likewise, assertive communication focuses on specific facts and how I feel because of them, rather than on what the other person is like.

Empathy, that is, putting oneself in the partner’s shoes, understanding what they think and feel and even feeling it, as well as showing respect for their thoughts and feelings. It is advisable to describe this with words so that they are aware that we know how they feel.

Attention, which means concentrating on our partner when they speak to us (both on what they say and their body language), as well as responding appropriately to their relationship bids (for example, when they tell a joke or propose a plan), doing what they expect of us.

Non-verbal communication, having pleasant body language for the partner, such as looking them in the eyes and smiling.

Sharing our feelings, which requires emotional vulnerability and a willingness to open up. The relationship will be stronger if we know each other intimately—our tastes, personality, hopes, and dreams. We can take an interest in each other’s affairs and support mutual aspirations.

Communication helps develop a strong sense of mutual trust, which does not come automatically but needs to be developed over time and maintained.

All these communication skills can be developed through the free courses and books of the Institute of Well-being.

4. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

It is normal for conflicts and crises to arise in relationships, even in happiness-oriented ones. What happens is that the latter know how to manage them appropriately. To do this, they avoid negative and aggressive attacks, criticism, recriminations, and blaming. They may have a complaint about a specific action, but they shy away from negative criticism about the partner’s character and personality, as well as contemptuous attitudes, mockery, or hostile and sarcastic humor. When they have a complaint, they express it with assertiveness and empathy and also highlight their partner’s positive aspects.

If negativity arises at any point, they frequently attempt to make amends with a phrase or action, humorous or not, that prevents the negativity from escalating uncontrollably. Likewise, they focus on the positive situation they desire and avoid negative judgment, describing instead what is happening.

My partner and I can seek win-win solutions, compromise formulas that satisfy everyone’s needs, at least in what is essential for each. We develop communication and dialogue, with a peaceful, serene, and polite style. Common issues are decided on an equal footing. We listen to each other with interest, and there is mutual understanding and compassion. If my partner initiates a conflict, even if I believe they are wrong, instead of reacting with defensive attitudes, such as indignantly lashing out, or evasive ones, such as adopting an ‘in one ear and out the other’ stance, it is preferable to face the conflict respectfully.

Sometimes there are disagreements that have no solution, as they are based on fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle, which often cannot be changed. Therefore, we will relate better if we understand the essential differences that cause the conflict. Happiness-oriented couples accept chronic and irresolvable divergences, being able to live with them and treating them peacefully and even with humor.

5. AFFINITY

Having common interests, especially regarding leisure, also helps make the relationship satisfying, although a few differences can add novelty and stimulation. Likewise, an intimate relationship has a greater chance of lasting over time when two people share values in important areas of life, such as friendships, education, religion, financial matters, sex, health, or family life. The strongest relationships are usually united by a common purpose that transcends the personal needs of each individual, such as raising children, running a business, or a commitment to an ethical or spiritual ideal.

Another element that favors the relationship is the presence of romance and magic between the two partners, which is a quality that goes beyond physical attraction. It is often intense in the first few months, and when it diminishes, it may be advisable to nurture that magic.

If I find myself in a relationship that I dislike, I can work to make it satisfying. If this is complicated and the relationship is important to me, it is advisable to seek the help of a therapist specializing in couples issues. If, despite doing everything I reasonably can, it remains unfulfilling, I am free to decide whether to maintain it or not.

In our courses and books , we will delve deeper into the challenge of achieving a satisfying and lasting relationship, as well as specific issues in this area that often cause distress, such as relationship problems, jealousy, domestic violence, and separation and divorce.

HAPPINESS-ORIENTED COUPLES

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