HAPPINESS-ORIENTED PARENTS

2. POSITIVE THOUGHTS

Our children’s happiness will depend, like ours, largely on their thoughts. Therefore, for them to be happy, it is advisable that we work on making these as pleasant as possible. We can do this in four ways:

• Transmitting positive thoughts to the child. To do this, it will be advisable for us to cultivate them ourselves, as explained in the books and courses of the Well-being Institute (WBI). In happiness-oriented families, parents try to express pleasant messages that occur to them to their children, such as how good the food they are eating is, how beautiful the place they are visiting is, or how nice a certain person is. Likewise, they stimulate them to also have those thoughts, asking them what things they liked most about today, helping them become aware of their great luck in having food and other needs met, parents who give them affection, how fortunate they are compared to some children, etc.

• Transmitting positive beliefs, such as self-efficacy (where there’s a will, there’s a way), responsibility (we are largely responsible for our future), non-dependence (very little is needed to be happy), the “should-nots” (there is no law of the universe that says something must be a certain way), non-guilt (we are responsible for certain things but not guilty), etc. Obviously, it is much more effective if we not only preach these beliefs but have previously internalized them.

One way to do this is through the courses and books of the Well-being Institute (it may sound like repetitive propaganda, but it is the best way I can honestly think of, given the brevity of this guide). If we put all the above into practice, our children will be programmed with beliefs that will generate positive thoughts and behaviors which, in turn, will contribute to their happiness and that of others.

• Avoiding the transmission of negative beliefs, such as alarmist, helpless, demanding, judgmental, guilt-inducing, punitive, intolerant, and other types discussed in the WBI courses and books. To do this, it is necessary that we have previously freed ourselves from them, as our cognitive world (beliefs and thoughts) usually strongly influences that of our children. Therefore, we will have no choice but to work on this topic.

• If irrational negative ideas are detected in the child, it will be advisable to question them, convince them of the error, and transmit other positive ones to replace the former. From about 8 years of age onwards, it becomes increasingly easy to dialogue with them. Since children pick up ideas not only from their parents but also from their environment, it is advisable to detect those that are contrary to their happiness and correct them through arguments and more positive thoughts. Again, for this, it is advisable that we know this subject well enough.

• From 8-10 years of age, it is beneficial for our children to provide them with cognitive training. A good way is to encourage them to read the book “Milene’s Secret”, which explains all this in an adventure story format.

3. POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Another key to children’s happiness is transmitting pleasant emotions to them, trying to create an atmosphere of tranquility, love, joy, satisfaction, excitement, and enjoyment. A fundamental way to do this is for parents to also cultivate their own positive sensations, as explained in the books and courses of the Well-being Institute. The reason for this is that children are like sponges: they will tend to reproduce what they see. Thus, for example, if we are loving with them, over time they will tend to be so with us and with other people.

On the other hand, happiness-oriented parents try to manage unpleasant emotions appropriately. I am not talking about repressing them internally, but about managing them, as explained in our books and courses. Furthermore, they show them to the child in the following way:

• Sadness, frustration, fear, anger, worry, tiredness, pain, and physical discomfort: It is healthy for parents to externalize these emotions occasionally, as teaching children to recognize and express their emotions naturally is crucial for their emotional development. According to Gottman and Silver (1999), modeling emotional management in a balanced way allows children to learn how to cope with their own emotions.

  For example, a parent who calmly explains that they feel frustrated and why, shows the child how to identify and communicate their feelings without aggression or repression. However, it is essential that these emotions be expressed with moderation. For example, crying out of sadness or showing concern in the face of a real situation can be educational, but doing so in an uncontrolled way can generate insecurity in the child.

• Guilt: it is advisable to express it when we have hurt someone, so that our child sees that we feel bad about it and that as a consequence we apologize and try to repair the damage caused. This helps them develop empathy and a sense of ethics. It is also advisable for them to realize that as a result of the above, we quickly free ourselves from this feeling.

• Hatred, contempt, envy, shame, and feelings of low self-worth: their expression must be handled with extreme caution, as these emotions are often loaded with underlying ideas that children can interpret negatively. Showing hatred toward innocent people or animals, for example, not only sends the wrong message but can also foster intolerant attitudes in children. According to Aron et al. (2000), it is better to moderate the expression of these emotions and work on transforming them into more constructive attitudes.

On the other hand, it is advisable to help them manage their negative emotions when they appear. This is very different from encouraging them to repress them, such as telling them not to be sad or not to cry (although if they cry over something truly inconsequential, they can be shown that it is not a reason to feel so bad). Another way to provide them with emotional education is by labeling emotions, both their own and those of other people.

4. POSITIVE BEHAVIORS

To instill positive behaviors in children, it is advisable to do two things:

1. Allow them, as far as possible and reasonable, to function according to what they are by nature and what they truly like, respecting their individuality. Their lives could end at any moment, so I can aim to give them many rewarding experiences now.

2. Help them develop positive habits from the age of 2-4, such as healthy eating, hygiene, sleep, rest, cultivating satisfying relationships of different types, social skills (respectful behavior, empathy, assertiveness, etc.), leisure, learning, etc.

For both things, it is advisable that we ourselves be an example. Again, in the courses and books of the Well-being Institute, you can delve deeper into all of this.

5. POSITIVE EDUCATION

A positive education is what will help children be happy both as children and as adults. As we are complex beings with many facets, I can give them a comprehensive and rich training in every sense, including theoretical knowledge, practical learning, and useful skills of different types. It also includes their growth as a person in their different dimensions, values, and of course, the development of the ability to be happy. Some aspects of this complete education are the following, arranged chronologically as they grow.

Positive values

During approximately the first 2-3 years of life, a child is hardly educated; rather, their needs are met and they are given much love. However, from that age onwards, their interactions with adults and other minors begin to be more complex and conflicts arise, such as taking a toy from another child or having a tantrum because their parents do not give them what they ask for. Therefore, it is advisable to start educating in positive attitudes, especially that of respect. Happiness-oriented parents refine their children in this sense in the most peaceful and civilized way possible, trying to ensure the child is considerate and reasonable, so that they take into account not only themselves but also others. Read more…

As they grow, it is also advisable for them to assume responsibilities at an appropriate level for their age, not having to do what they like always and at all times. As they become able to do practical things for themselves, I can encourage them to do as many of them as possible, such as eating, tidying up what they mess up, washing, or showering. Happiness-oriented families transmit attitudes such as a sense of responsibility, autonomy, proactivity, and doing things reasonably well. Likewise, they effusively praise and reward their children for performing tasks and for doing them well, emphasizing how well they have carried them out (even if it is not perfect).

In these families, parents look for the opportune moment, according to the age and what the child does, to instill other values oriented toward individual and collective well-being:

• Social responsibility (solidarity, generosity, contribution to building a happier world)
• Respect, love, honesty, tolerance, peace, and openness
• Work, moderate effort, and excellence (including training, foresight, saving, creativity, initiative)
• Simplicity (modesty)

Read more in the guide “Happiness-Oriented Society”…

Of all these, happiness-oriented parents especially provide a strong education in the values of respect, tolerance toward the harmless, and justice, quickly cutting off all types of abuse. If my child is clear that there is a just order that protects everyone’s rights and an authority that guarantees it, this gives them security and peace of mind, as they perceive that they are not in a chaotic environment ruled by the law of the strongest.

The best way to transmit all the above attitudes is by leading by example, so we recommend reading and putting into practice the aforementioned guide. Thus, one of the ways to transmit honesty is by not lying ourselves and always fulfilling what we say, which over time generates credibility.

Fostering curiosity and openness to the outside world

In order to prepare children for academic life, it is advisable to stimulate in them the desire to learn and experiment and an interest in the world. To this end, they can be taken to different interesting places so that they open up to it with confidence and curiosity. As far as possible, it is healthy to offer them a variety of activities: cultural (museums, architecture, music, shows, planetariums, contact with animals, technology, etc.), sports, social, in the city, the beach, the countryside, and nature. If the family has the opportunity, they can go on excursions, getaways, and trips with which they accompany their children to channel their innate instinct for exploration.

If they detect curiosity and a valuation of knowledge in their family, they will probably have a more receptive attitude toward what they are taught at school. On the other hand, practical interaction with the environment will constitute a bridge between the theoretical knowledge of academic training and reality, so that they know the latter not only in textbooks but also through direct contact and relate the former to the latter.

Other ways to foster curiosity are having cultural resources at home (books, Internet, etc.) and children observing how their parents read, watch documentaries, listen to podcasts, explore, and take an interest in different topics. According to some studies, the socio-cultural level of parents markedly influences their children’s academic performance (even more than the economic level).

In relation to the above, it is advisable to buy books for the little ones in the house and read to them for a while before going to sleep from an early age. As they learn to do it on their own, parents can read to them first and then vice versa. Later we can encourage them to read to us alone and when they are older to read alone most days. Reading will not only help them learn but also develop their intelligence.

Critical spirit

From a certain age, children begin to express ideas. It is the ideal time to help them think for themselves and to question things, asking questions such as: are you sure that is so?, why do you believe it?, what makes you think that?, but have you seen that? It is advisable to make them see that for many things it is simply a matter of opinions. This will not only contribute to their intellectual development but also to their happiness.

Academic training

Our children need us to prepare them for life, with appropriate education and training, so that when they are adults they can satisfy their own needs, such as prosperity, satisfying work, freedom, security, etc.

Training normally takes place at school, but some families prefer homeschooling. All options are respectable. In either case, a mother/father takes into account, when choosing the school or the educational system, that the guidelines explained in the guide “Happiness-oriented schools” are followed: an appropriate environment for children’s happiness, good academic performance, emotional education, and values.

It is advisable to encourage children to learn and train, since in the knowledge society in which we live, education opens many doors and will contribute to them having more freedom and options when they are adults. Furthermore, good human capital will contribute to a more prosperous, functional, and happy society. For all these reasons, it is recommended to value academic performance, praise any type of school result that is reasonably good, reward it, and generally motivate.

On the other hand, if teachers do their job reasonably well, recognition, valuation, and support for them by parents is very positive. This will increase their motivation to be good teachers.

Learning personal well-being

Obviously, one of the facets developed by families oriented toward quality of life is happiness education, teaching their children the way of living, doing, and thinking oriented toward it. In addition to transmitting to them the positive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors we have talked about previously, from the age of about 8-10 I can encourage them to learn the area of personal well-being knowledge for themselves at both a theoretical and practical level.

A good way to do this is for them to read the adventure book “Milene’s Secret” and then try to put it into practice. It will be more effective if they reread it every year. With this, we will get them introduced to this topic. In adolescence, from about 15-16 years of age, they could advance further in this topic by reading “Stories of Zan”, with which they will acquire basic knowledge about personal well-being. At about 18-20 years of age, it is advisable for them to delve deeper with “Personal Well-being Techniques”, which will allow them an intermediate level of knowledge. If they consider it appropriate in the future, they can achieve an advanced level by reading “The Science of Personal Well-being”.

On the other hand, there are 2 other topics related to well-being in which parents can help their children:

– Positive body expressions. These consist mainly of being moderately upright, having the muscles of the face and body reasonably relaxed, and smiling from time to time. If it is detected that some of the child’s body expressions are not healthy, from the age of 8-10 it is advisable to try to correct them in the most respectful and least invasive way.

– Development of awareness. From that age onwards, it is also advisable to encourage our children to do some meditation exercise. Before the age of 10, it can be practiced in its dynamic form, such as walking meditation, and from that age onwards start doing it sitting (or lying down). It would be recommended that the child first read the story “Milene’s Secret” to get motivated on the subject, and then dedicate short periods to meditation. The logical thing is to start with a few minutes a day, so that it doesn’t become tedious for them, and then progressively increase the time.

How to educate

The best way to educate is with a calm style. Instead of applying punishment and imposition, I can do it with love, as well as through the transmission of positive values, the teaching of reasonable guidelines, and the explanation of the reasons for them. If instead of instilling fear or reverential respect I develop moral authority, complicity, and loyalty toward me, a simple piece of advice will often be enough for my children to listen to me.

It is not so much about instilling blind obedience, about them doing things just because someone orders it. Obedience would mean that if a parent told their children to jump into a well or to throw another person into it, they would have to do it without question. It is about them being reasonable, about guiding toward behaviors based on logical reasons and explaining them.

Happiness-oriented parents use praise, reward, motivation, and stimulation, avoiding as much as possible pressure, overwhelming, offending, shouting, threatening, and especially hitting or assaulting. This type of family also educates by affirming the positive instead of talking about the negative. That is, they generally do not comment so much on what they do not want the child to do or how they do not want them to be, but on what is appropriate to do or how they want them to be. In fact, it can be effective to tell them repeatedly and frequently that they are already like that and will tend to be like that. For example, instead of reproaching them for behaving badly, I can tell them to behave well because they are a good, considerate, and polite child.

As stated before, example is also decisive, that is, that I show positive attitudes myself. Given that children tend to mirror the behaviors they see from adults, if I preach one thing but do another, they will tend to reproduce that pattern, preaching one thing and doing another.

Providing a democratic, egalitarian, and peaceful education implies not tolerating despotic attitudes, authoritarian capriciousness, or unjustified hitting or insulting. It is enough for me simply to tell them to be reasonable and respectful, in a civilized and peaceful way, but all the more serious and disapproving the more serious the transgression has been. If they persist in their behavior, it is advisable to put a stop to it and make it clear that it will not be accepted. I can tell them that I am not happy with the behavior. If they still persist, I tell them more firmly that I am unhappy and that at that moment I do not feel like playing or talking with them. If that were not enough, I can adopt a more drastic measure, but always within respect for the child’s dignity… and above all, I reinforce any positive behavior with praise, approval, and, if I consider it appropriate, a reward.

It is preferable to avoid extremes and seek a point of balance, avoiding both authoritarianism and excessive permissiveness. If 0 is despotism and 10 is over-indulgence, I can look for a reasonable intermediate point, which does not necessarily have to be 5, but could be 8.5 or another depending on each case.

To delve deeper into these topics and learn positive parenting, one can turn to the courses and books of the Well-being Institute.