HAPPINESS-ORIENTED COUPLES

3. COMMUNICATION

Another key issue for a good relationship is effective communication, whose main keys are the following:

• Assertiveness, which consists of respectfully and delicately communicating what bothers us and what we desire, trying not to hurt or offend. It means expressing what I feel and asking for what I want directly, instead of complaining, threatening, demanding, or trying to manipulate the other person to satisfy my needs. It is advisable to try to do so affectionately and by mentioning the positive aspects of the partner. Likewise, assertive communication focuses on specific facts and how I feel because of them, rather than on what the other person is like.

• Empathy, that is, putting oneself in the partner’s shoes, understanding what they think and feel and even feeling it, as well as showing respect for their thoughts and feelings. It is advisable to describe this with words so that they are aware that we know how they feel.

• Attention, which means concentrating on our partner when they speak to us (both on what they say and their body language), as well as responding appropriately to their relationship bids (for example, when they tell a joke or propose a plan), doing what they expect of us.

• Non-verbal communication, having pleasant body language for the partner, such as looking them in the eyes and smiling.

• Sharing our feelings, which requires emotional vulnerability and a willingness to open up. The relationship will be stronger if we know each other intimately—our tastes, personality, hopes, and dreams. We can take an interest in each other’s affairs and support mutual aspirations.

Communication helps develop a strong sense of mutual trust, which does not come automatically but needs to be developed over time and maintained.

All these communication skills can be developed through the free courses and books of the Institute of Well-being.

4. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

It is normal for conflicts and crises to arise in relationships, even in happiness-oriented ones. What happens is that the latter know how to manage them appropriately. To do this, they avoid negative and aggressive attacks, criticism, recriminations, and blaming. They may have a complaint about a specific action, but they shy away from negative criticism about the partner’s character and personality, as well as contemptuous attitudes, mockery, or hostile and sarcastic humor. When they have a complaint, they express it with assertiveness and empathy and also highlight their partner’s positive aspects.

If negativity arises at any point, they frequently attempt to make amends with a phrase or action, humorous or not, that prevents the negativity from escalating uncontrollably. Likewise, they focus on the positive situation they desire and avoid negative judgment, describing instead what is happening.

My partner and I can seek win-win solutions, compromise formulas that satisfy everyone’s needs, at least in what is essential for each. We develop communication and dialogue, with a peaceful, serene, and polite style. Common issues are decided on an equal footing. We listen to each other with interest, and there is mutual understanding and compassion. If my partner initiates a conflict, even if I believe they are wrong, instead of reacting with defensive attitudes, such as indignantly lashing out, or evasive ones, such as adopting an ‘in one ear and out the other’ stance, it is preferable to face the conflict respectfully.

Sometimes there are disagreements that have no solution, as they are based on fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle, which often cannot be changed. Therefore, we will relate better if we understand the essential differences that cause the conflict. Happiness-oriented couples accept chronic and irresolvable divergences, being able to live with them and treating them peacefully and even with humor.

5. AFFINITY

Having common interests, especially regarding leisure, also helps make the relationship satisfying, although a few differences can add novelty and stimulation. Likewise, an intimate relationship has a greater chance of lasting over time when two people share values in important areas of life, such as friendships, education, religion, financial matters, sex, health, or family life. The strongest relationships are usually united by a common purpose that transcends the personal needs of each individual, such as raising children, running a business, or a commitment to an ethical or spiritual ideal.

Another element that favors the relationship is the presence of romance and magic between the two partners, which is a quality that goes beyond physical attraction. It is often intense in the first few months, and when it diminishes, it may be advisable to nurture that magic.

If I find myself in a relationship that I dislike, I can work to make it satisfying. If this is complicated and the relationship is important to me, it is advisable to seek the help of a therapist specializing in couples issues. If, despite doing everything I reasonably can, it remains unfulfilling, I am free to decide whether to maintain it or not.

In our courses and books , we will delve deeper into the challenge of achieving a satisfying and lasting relationship, as well as specific issues in this area that often cause distress, such as relationship problems, jealousy, domestic violence, and separation and divorce.